Chapter 7
The Big Day Arrives
The next day was the big day for the 5 golden ticket winners and the special golden ticket holder. Willow who is the holder of Wonka's special golden ticket was there without one of her parents there with her because her ticket said that she had to come alone.
~WONKA'S FACTORY GATES~
A large crowd is gathered, including reporters and a band.
MIKE: Hey, Mom, we're on TV! Hi, everybody in Marble Falls! Hi, Billy! Hi, Maggie! Hi, Fishface! How do I look?
(Cut to:) LOCAL REPORTER: You guys ready?
CAMERAMAN (O.C.): Yeah, you're on.
LOCAL REPORTER: Well, this is it folks. This is the big day, the historic day on which Willy Wonka has promised to open his gates and shower gifts on the five lucky winners. From all over the globe, people have gathered here waiting for the hour to strike, waiting to catch a glimpse of that legendary magician Mr. Willy Wonka.
(Cut to:) MR. BEUAREGARDE: Hi, friends. Sam Beauregarde here. The next time you're in Miles City, Montana, don't forget to visit Beauregarde's AutoMart . . .
VIOLET: (on "Beauregarde's") Cut it out, Dad; for heaven's sake, this is my show! Hi, Cornelia sweetie, I've still got it. And how's this for a stretch? (She stretches her gum down and lets go.)
(Cut to:) VERUCA: I want to go in first before anybody else.
MR. SALT: Anything you say, sweetheart.
(Cut to:) MRS. GLOOP: (taking food away from Augustus) Save some room for later, Augustus liebling [darling].
(Cut to:) CHARLIE: Grandpa?
GRANDPA JOE: Mmm?
CHARLIE: I don't believe it. We did it; we're actually going in.
GRANDPA JOE: We're going to see the greatest of them all: Mr. Willy Wonka!
(Cut to:) WILLOW: This is so exciting. I can't wait to see Willy Wonka again.
VERUCA: What do you mean again?
WILLOW: You'll find out later, Veruca.
MR. SALT: Where is your mom or dad?
WILLOW: Mr. Salt, I was suppose to come here without my mom or dad.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: Why is that?
WILLOW: It says so on my golden ticket.
VIOLET: Why would your ticket say that and not ours?
WILLOW: My dear, Violet, I'm the holder of Wonka's special golden ticket.
MRS. GLOOP: Why did you get the special golden ticket.
WILLOW: You'll soon find out.
AUGUSTUS: When will we find out.
WILLOW: After we meet Mr. Wonka himself.
GRANDPA: May I ask how old you are my dear lady.
CHARLIE: Grandpa?
WILLOW: No it's ok, Charlie. I'm 32 years old.
WILLY WONKA (telepathically to Willow): Willow I want you to be the last to greet me.
WILLOW (telepathically to Wonka): Yes, I know Wonka.
WILLY WONKA (telepathically to Willow): That's my candygirl.
The clock strikes ten. Willy Wonka emerges; the crowd cheers until they see he is limping with a cane. At the end of the red carpet, he sticks the cane in the stones and performs an acrobatic somersault. The crowd applauds.
WILLY WONKA: Thank you. Thank you. Welcome, my friends. Welcome to my chocolate factory. (to the ticket holders) Would you come forward please?
MR. SALT: Veruca first! Get back, you! Come on, Veruca sweetheart!
Slugworth gives the thumbs up to Charlie.
CHARLIE: That's Slugworth! That's the one I've told you about!
WILLY WONKA: Welcome. It's nice to have you here. I'm so glad you could come. This is going to be such an exciting day. I hope you enjoy it. I think you will. And now would you please show me your Golden Tickets.
VERUCA: I'm Veruca Salt.
WILLY WONKA: My dear Veruca, what a pleasure. And how pretty you look in that lovely mink coat.
VERUCA: I've got three others at home.
WILLY WONKA: And Mr. Salt, overjoyed to see you, sir. Would you just step over there for a minute.
AUGUSTUS: Augustus Gloop.
WILLY WONKA: Augustus, my dear boy, how good to see you--and in such fine shape. And this must be the radiant Mrs. Gloop. Just over there, dear lady.
VIOLET: Violet Beauregarde.
WILLY WONKA: Darling child, welcome to Wonka's.
VIOLET: What kind of gum you got here?
WILLY WONKA: Charming, charming!
WILLOW (telepathically to Wonka): You're charming yourself Wonka.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: Sam Beauregarde here, Mr. Wonka.
WILLY WONKA: My dear sir, what a genuine pleasure.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: If ever you need anything in the automotive line, just call on Sam B, phone number's on the card. With Sam B, it's a guarantee.
MIKE: I'm Mike Teevee.
WILLY WONKA: Mike . . .
MIKE: Wham! (He pulls his gun.) You're dead!
WILLY WONKA: Wonderful to meet you, Mike. And Mrs. Teevee, how do you do? What an adorable little boy you have.
MRS. TEEVEE: Thank you.
WILLY WONKA: Just over there.
CHARLIE: Charlie Bucket.
WILLY WONKA: Well, well, Charlie Bucket, I read all about you in the papers. I'm so happy for you. And who is this gentleman?
CHARLIE: My grandfather, Grandpa Joe.
WILLY WONKA: Delighted to meet you, sir. Overjoyed, enraptured, entranced.
WILLOW: Wonka.
WILLY WONKA: Willow.
He gives her a hug in front of everyone. One of the reporters walks up to them.
LOCAL REPORTER: Excuse me Mr. Wonka?
WILLY WONKA: Yes.
LOCAL REPORTER: I was wondering why you gave her a hug and no one else?
WILLY WONKA: Well I'll let her tell you.
Willow looks at Willy Wonka.
WILLOW: Well the truth is Willy Wonka and I know each other.
LOCAL REPORTER: How is that?
Willow looks at Willy Wonka and he nods his head.
WILLOW: You see, I along with my 49 younger brothers and sisters...
LOCAL REPORTER: I'm sorry did you say 49 brothers and sisters.
WILLOW: Yes I have 24 sisters and 25 brothers and altogether there is 50 of us and all 50 of us use to work here at the factory for Willy Wonka.
LOCAL REPORTER: What was your job?
Willow looked at Willy Wonka and again he nodded his head.
WILLOW: I was his assistant.
LOCAL REPORTER: Why was that?
WILLOW: Because I am the oldest amonst my brothers and sisters. So that's why he made me is assistant.
WILLY WONKA: There is another reason why.
Willow looks at Willy Wonka.
LOCAL REPORTER: What is that other reason?
WILLY WONKA: You'll all find out in due time, but now is not the right time to tell you.
LOCAL REPORTER: So is that the reason she got the special golden ticket?
WILLOW: Yes it was the reason.
WILLY WONKA: Now are we ready? Yes! Good! In we go!
They all enter the factory.
~ENTRANCE HALLWAY~
WILLY WONKA: Now: hats, coats, galoshes, over here. But hurry please, we have so much time and so little to see. Wait a minute! Strike that. Reverse it. Thank you.
VIOLET: When do I get my chocolate?
MR. BEAUREGARDE: First take off your coat, Violet.
MIKE: Boy, what weird looking coat hangers.
The hand coat hangers grab the clothes; the group gasps and screams, startled.
WILLY WONKA: Little surprises around every corner but nothing dangerous. Don't be alarmed. And as soon as your outer vestments are in hand, we'll begin. Now. Will the children kindly step up here.
As he pulls back a curtain to reveal a contract Willow is standing next to him.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: (mutters, reading)
MR. SALT: (mutters through his teeth, reading, then:) Floods, fire, frost, or frippery?
MIKE: Accidents? What kind of accidents?
MR. BEAUREGARDE: . . . Labor unions? . . . (Returns to muttering.)
MRS. TEEVEE: I didn't know we had to sign anything for this tour.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: . . . in trying to determine . . . (mutters)
VIOLET: I can't see what it says in the bottom.
WILLY WONKA: Violet? You first. Sign here.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: Hold it! Lemme through here, you kids. Violet, baby, don't you sign anything there. What's this all about?
WILLY WONKA: Standard form of contract.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: Don't talk to me about contracts, Wonka; I use 'em myself. They're strictly for suckers.
WILLY WONKA: Yes, but you wouldn't begrudge me a little protection. A drop.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: I don't sign anything without my lawyer.
MR. SALT: My Veruca don't sign anything either.
WILLY WONKA: Then she don't go in. I'm sorry, rules of the house.
VERUCA: I want to go in. Don't you dare stop me.
MR. SALT: I'm only trying to help you, sweetheart.
VERUCA: (to Violet) Gimme that pen. (to Mr. Salt) You're always making things difficult.
WILLY WONKA: Nicely handled, Veruca. She's a girl who knows where she's going. Violet . . .?
MR. BEAUREGARDE: Wait a minute, what's all that small print there at the bottom?
WILLY WONKA: Oh, if you have any problems, dial information, thank you for calling. Mike? Augustus?
MR. BEAUREGARDE: Violet. Violet!
MRS. TEEVEE: I assume there's an accident indemnity clause.
WILLY WONKA: Never between friends.
MIKE: Saw this in a movie once. Guy signed his wife's insurance policy. Then he bumped her off.
WILLY WONKA: Clever.
CHARLIE: What about me, Grandpa?
GRANDPA JOE: Sign away, Charlie; we got nothing to lose.
VERUCA: Let's go in; come on!
WILLY WONKA: Patience, patience, little dear. Everything has to be in order. Everyone's signed?
MR. SALT: Doesn't Willow need to sign?
WILLOW: Mr. Salt, didn't you hear what I told the reporter outside earlier?
MR. SALT: No. What?
WILLOW: I use to work here in the factory.
WILLY WONKA: She's right and besides she knows all the rule in the factory.
MRS. TEEVEE: How long ago did you work here?
WILLOW: Over three years ago.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: Is that true, Wonka?
WILLY WONKA: Yes. Good. On we go! (opening lock) Ninety-nine . . . forty-four . . . one hundred percent pure. (He pushes open the door.) Just through the other door please.
~DEAD END HALLWAY~
They rush in; chaos ensues.
MR. SALT: Uh, Wonka, there's some mistake here . . .
MIKE: There is no other door.
VERUCA: There's no way out!
WILLY WONKA: Well I know there's a door here someplace.
MRS. GLOOP: (screams)
MR. BEAUREGARDE: I don't like this, Wonka; I don't like it at all!
MR. SALT: Is this a trick or something, Wonka?
MRS. GLOOP: Help! Mr. Wonka, help! I'm getting squashed! Save me!
WILLY WONKA: Is it my soul that calls upon my name?
VERUCA: Let me out or I'll scream!
MRS. TEEVEE: Somebody's touching me.
MR. SALT: Now look here, Wonka . . .
WILLY WONKA: Excuse me, question time will come at the end of the session. We must press on. Come along . . . come along . . . Ah, here we are.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: Oh, don't be a darn fool, Wonka; that's the way we came in.
WILLY WONKA: It is? Are you sure?
MR. SALT: We've just come through there.
WILLY WONKA: Huh. How do you like that?
He leans against the door; it opens. The crowd emits "Oh"s and "Aw"s. During this:
VIOLET: It's all different . . .
WILLY WONKA: There we are . . .
MR. SALT: What is this, Wonka? Some kind of fun house?
WILLY WONKA: Why, having fun?
MRS. TEEVEE: I've had enough. I'm not going in there.
MR. BEAUREGADE: Come on, Violet, we're getting out of here.
WILLY WONKA: Oh, you can't get out backwards. You've gotta go forwards to go back. Better press on.
~SKEWED PERSPECTIVE ROOM~
Willy Wonka walks down the hall which gets shorter as it goes on.
CHARLIE: Hey, the room is getting smaller!
MRS. TEEVEE: No, it's not; he's getting bigger.
MR. SALT: He's at it again.
MIKE: Where's the chocolate?
MR. BEAUREGARDE: I doubt if there is any.
MR. SALT: I doubt if any of us will get out of here alive.
WILLY WONKA: Oh, you should never, never doubt what nobody is sure about.
MRS. GLOOP: You're not squeezing me through that tiny door.
MR. SALT: You're off your bleeding nut, Wonka. No one can get through there.
WILLY WONKA: My dear friends, you are now about to enter the nerve center of the entire Wonka Factory. Inside this room, all of my dreams become realities. And some of my realities become dreams. And almost everything you will see is eatible. Edible. I mean, you can eat almost everything.
AUGUSTUS: Let me in, I'm starving!
WILLY WONKA: Now, don't get overexcited! Don't lose your head, Augustus! We wouldn't want anyone to lose that! Yet. Now, the combination . . . This is a musical lock. (He plays the opening to Mozart's "Marriage of Figaro.")
MRS. TEEVEE: Rachmaninoff.
WILLY WONKA: Ladies and gentlemen . . . boys and girls . . .
~THE CHOCOLATE ROOM~
WILLY WONKA: (as the door opens) The chocolate room.
Hold your breath. Make a wish. Count to three.
Come with me
And you'll be
In a world of Pure imagination
Take a look
(whips cane around)
And you'll see
Into your imagination
We'll begin
(whips cane around)
With a spin
Traveling in the world of my creation
What we'll see
Will defy
(whips cane)
Explanation
(whips cane around)
If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to change the world
(pulls hair out of Mike's head)
There's nothing
To it
MR. BEAUREGARDE: Hurry up, Violet.
CHARLIE: This way, Grandpa.
WILLY WONKA: There is no life I know
To compare with Pure imagination
Living there
You'll be free
If you truly wish to be
If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to change the world?
There's nothing
To it
There is no life I know
To compare with Pure imagination
Living there
You'll be free
If you truly
Wish to be
MRS. GLOOP: What a disgusting, dirty river.
MR. SALT: It's industrial waste, that. You've ruined your watershed, Wonka. It's polluted.
WILLY WONKA: It's chocolate.
VERUCA: That's chocolate?!?
CHARLIE: That's chocolate.
VIOLET: A chocolate river.
GRANDPA JOE: That's the most fantastic thing I've ever seen.
WILLY WONKA: Ten thousand gallons an hour. And look at my waterfall. That's the most important thing. It's mixing my chocolate. It's actually churning my chocolate. You know, no other factory in the world mixes its chocolate by waterfall. (to Mr. Salt) But it's the only way if you want it just right . . .
CHARLIE: Grandpa, look over there across the river! They're little men!
GRANDPA JOE: Jumping Crocodiles, Charlie! Now we know who makes the chocolate.
MR. SALT: I never saw anybody with an orange face before. Funny-looking people, aren't they, Wonka?
MRS. TEEVEE: What are they doing there?
WILLY WONKA: It must be creaming and sugaring time.
VIOLET: Well they can't be real people.
WILLY WONKA: Well of course they're real people.
MR. SALT: Stuff and nonsense.
WILLY WONKA: No, Oompa Loompas.
THE GROUP: Oompa Loompas?!?
WILLY WONKA: From Loompaland.
MRS. TEEVEE: Loompaland? There's no such place.
WILLY WONKA: Excuse me, dear lady . . .
MRS. TEEVEE: Mr. Wonka, I am a teacher of geography.
WILLY WONKA: Oh, well then you know all about it and what a terrible country it is. Nothing but desolate wastes and fierce beasts. And the poor little Oompa Loompas were so small and helpless, they would get gobbled up right and left. A Wangdoodle would eat ten of them for breakfast and think nothing of it. And so, I said, "Come and live with me in peace and safety, away from all the Wangdoodles and Hornswogglers and Snozzwangers and rotten Vermicious Knids."
MR. SALT: Snozzwangers? Vermicious Knids? What kind of rubbish is that?
WILLY WONKA: I'm sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing. And so, in the greatest of secrecy I transported the entire population of Oompa Loompas to my factory here.
VERUCA: Hey, Daddy, I want an Oompa Loompa. I want you to get me an Oompa Loompa right away.
MR. SALT: All right, Veruca, all right. I'll get you one before the day is out.
VERUCA: I want an Oompa Loompa now!
VIOLET: Can it, you nit!
AUGUSTUS (O.C.): Mmmmm . . . this stuff is terrific.
CHARLIE: Grandpa, look at Augustus.
GRANDPA JOE (O.C.): Don't worry, he can't drink it all.
MRS. GLOOP: Augustus, sweetheart, save some room for later.
WILLY WONKA: Oh, uh, Augustus, please, don't do that. My chocolate must never be touched by human hands. Plea--don't do that! Don't do that; you're contaminating my entire river. Please, I beg you, Augustus!
Augustus falls in; Mrs. Gloop and others scream.
MIKE: Man overboard.
WILLY WONKA: My chocolate!
AUGUSTUS: Help!
WILLY WONKA: My chocolate! My beautiful chocolate.
AUGUSTUS: Help!
MRS. GLOOP: Don't just stand there; do something!
WILLY WONKA: Help. Police. Murder.
GRANDPA JOE: Quick, Charlie, here!
CHARLIE: Quick, Augustus, grab this!
Augustus tries to grab the huge lollipop Charlie offers, but he sinks below the water.
MRS. TEEVEE: What--what's happening to him?
MR. SALT: It looks like he's drowning.
MRS. GLOOP: Dive in! Save him!
WILLY WONKA: Oh, it's too late.
MRS. GLOOP: Too late?
WILLY WONKA: Oh, he's had it now; the suction's got him.
MR. SALT: What suction?
MRS. GLOOP: Augustus, come back. Where is he?
WILLY WONKA: Watch the pipe.
VERUCA: How long is he going to stay down, Daddy?
MRS. GLOOP: He can't swim.
WILLY WONKA: There's no better time to learn.
MIKE: There's his coat going up the pipe.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: Call a plumber.
MR. SALT: He's stuck in the pipe there, isn't he, Wonka? It's his stomach that's done that.
AUGUSTUS: (stuck in the pipe) Heeelllp! Heeelllp!
VIOLET: He's blocking all the chocolate.
GRANDPA JOE: Well, what happens now?
WILLY WONKA: Oh, the pressure'll get him out. Terrific pressure is building up behind the blockage.
Commotion.
MR. SALT: I wonder how long it's gonna take him to push through.
WILLY WONKA: The suspense is terrible. I hope it'll last.
MR. SALT: He, he's gonna go up this time. He--he-- Go on, boy, go on!
MRS. GLOOP: This is terrible.
CHARLIE: He'll never get out!
GRANDPA JOE: Yes, he will, Charlie. Watch. Remember you once asked me how a bullet comes out of a gun?
Augustus shoots up the pipe.
MRS. GLOOP: He's gone! He'll be made into marshmallows in five seconds!
WILLY WONKA: Impossible, my dear lady, that's absurd! Unthinkable!
MRS. GLOOP: Why?
WILLY WONKA: Because that pipe doesn't go to the marshmallow room; it goes to the fudge room.
MRS. GLOOP: You terrible man.
Willy Wonka plays a short tune on the pipe whistle; an Oompa Loompa comes over.
MR. SALT: Who said that?
MR. BEAUREGARDE: What the heck is that?
GRANDPA JOE: He's got a whistle.
WILLY WONKA: Take Mrs. Gloop straight to the fudge room, but look sharp! Or her little boy is liable to get poured into the boiler.
MRS. GLOOP: You've boiled him up, I know it!
WILLY WONKA: Nihil desperandum [Nothing to despair], dear lady. Across the desert lies the promised land. Goodbye, Mrs. Gloop. Adieu! Auf wiedersehen! Gesundheit. Farewell.
OOMPA LOOMPAS: Oompa Loompa doompadee doo
I've got a perfect puzzle for you
Oompa Loompa, doompadah dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me
What do you get when you guzzle down sweets
Eating as much as an elephant eats
What are you at getting terribly fat
What do you think will come of that
I don't like the look of it
Oompa Loompa doompadee dah
If you're not greed you will go far
You will live in happiness to
Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do
Doompadee do
MR. BEAUREGARDE: Hey, what kind of place you running here anyhow, Wonka?
WONKA: Uhhhh . . . mesdames et messieurs, maintenant nous allons faire grand petit voyage par bateau. [Ladies and Gentlemen, now we are going for a great little boat trip.]
MR. SALT: What's he talking about?
WILLY WONKA: Voulez-vous entrer le Wonkatania? [Do you want to come on the Wonkatania?] The Wonkatania floats down the river.
CHARLIE: Wow, what a boat.
GRANDPA JOE: Ohhhh, looks good enough to eat.
MR. SALT: That's quite a nice little canoe you've got there, Wonka.
WILLY WONKA: All I ask is a tall ship and a star to sail her by. All aboard, everybody.
MR. SALT: Uh, ladies first, and that means Veruca.
GRANDPA JOE: If she's a lady, I'm a Vermicious Knid.
MR. SALT: You sure this thing'll float, eh, Wonka?
WILLY WONKA: With your buoyancy, sir, rest assured.
MRS. TEEVEE: She's tres joli [very pretty], but is she seaworthy?
WILLY WONKA: Nothing to worry about, my dear lady. I take good care of my guests.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: Yeah, you took real good care of that August kid over there, that's for sure.
WILLY WONKA: Everybody aboard? You're going to love this. Just love it.
The boat begins to sail. Willow is seating on Willy Wonka's right leg with her left arm wrapped around him and his right arm wrapped around her.
MRS. TEEVE: Why is she seating on your lap, Mr. Wonka?
WILLY WONKA: She gets to because...
WILLOW: Because it says so in my special golden ticket.
VERUCA: Hey, Daddy, I want a boat like this. A beautiful paddle boat, that's what I want.
GRANDPA JOE: What she wants is a good kick in the pants.
MRS. TEEVEE: I think I'm gonna be seasick.
WILLY WONKA: Here, try one of these.
MRS. TEEVEE: What are they?
WILLY WONKA: Rainbow drops. Suck 'em and you can spit in seven different colors.
VIOLET: (picking her nose) Spitting's a dirty habit.
WILLY WONKA: I know a worse one.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: What business you in, Salt?
MR. SALT: Nuts.
The boat heads into the tunnel.
MR. SALT: Hang on, where are we going?
MR. BEAUREGARDE: I don't know, but I don't like the looks of that tunnel up there. Hey, Wonka, I want off!
WILLY WONKA: 'Round the world and home again, that's the sailor's way!
~THE TUNNEL~
Commotion. Disgusting images flash on the wall.
VERUCA: I don't like this ride, Daddy.
WILLY WONKA: Faster!
MR. SALT: Wonka, do me a favor? Tell those people to stop paddling back there.
WILLY WONKA: Faster!
MRS. TEEVEE: We're going too fast!
WILLY WONKA: Faster! Faster!
VIOLET: We're gonna sink, I know it!
VERUCA: Why doesn't he stop the boat?
WILLY WONKA: Faster!
MR. SALT: Hang on, darling! Just close your eyes and hang on tight!
MIKE: What's happening?
WILLY WONKA: Faster!
VIOLET: What is this, a freak-out?
MR. BEAUREGARDE: Hey, this isn't funny, Wonka!
MR. SALT: You can't possibly see where you're going, Wonka!
WILLY WONKA: You're right. I can't.
MIKE: Boy, what a great series this would make.
MR. SALT: Wonka . . .
CHARLIE: This is kind of strange . . .
GRANDPA JOE: Yeah, strange, Charlie, but it's fun! Ha ha!
MIKE: This is terrific!
MRS. TEEVEE: Ugghhhhhh . . .
MR. SALT: How much to get off the boat, Wonka?
MRS. TEEVEE: Ugghhh . . . I think I'm gonna be sick.
MR. SALT: I can take a joke, but this has gone too far.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: Tell that little guy to turn us around, Wonka!
MRS. TEEVEE: Aaaaaaa! Now I am gonna be sick!
VERUCA: Save me, Daddy!
CHARLIE: (reacting when Slugworth's face appears on the wall) Grandpa!
GRANDPA: It couldn't be.
A few screams . . .
WILLY WONKA: There's no earthly way of knowing
MR. SALT: Heh, heh . . . he's singing . . .
WILLY WONKA: Which direction we are going
There's no knowing where we're rowing
MR. SALT: (echoing) Rowing . . .
WILLY WONKA: Or which way the river's flowing
Is it raining
Is it snowing
Is a hurricane a-blowing
[spoken:]Bleh!
Not a speck of light is showing
So the danger must be growing
Are the fires of hell a glowing?
Is the grisly reaper mowing?
Yes! The danger must be growing
For the rowers keep on rowing
And they're certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing!
Willy Wonka screams. Chaos.
VERUCA: Oh, make him stop, Daddy!
MR. SALT: Wonka, this has gone far enough!
WILLY WONKA: Quite right, sir! Stop the boat!
~HALLWAY OUTSIDE INVENTING ROOM~
WILLY WONKA: We're there.
MRS. TEEVEE: Where?
WILLY WONKA: Here. A small step for mankind, but a giant step for us. All ashore!
MR. BEAUREGARDE: Let me off this crate!
MIKE: Now why don't they show stuff like that on TV?
MRS. TEEVEE: I don't know.
MR. SALT: What a nightmare.
VERUCA: Daddy, I do not want a boat like this.
Charlie and Grandpa Joe read a sign.
CHARLIE: Dairy cream . . .
GRANDPA JOE: Whipped cream . . .
CHARLIE: Coffee cream . . .
GRANDPA JOE: Vanilla cream . . .
CHARLIE AND GRANDPA JOE: Hair cream?
WILLY WONKA: Meine Herrschaften, schenken Sie mir ihre aufmerksamkeit. [My friends (masters), please give me your attention.]
MRS. TEEVEE: That's not French.
WILLY WONKA: Sie kommen jetzt in den interessantesten und gleichzeitig geheimsten raum meiner fabrik. [You have now come to the most interesting and, at the same time, the most secret room of my factory.]
MR. SALT: I can't take much more of this.
WILLY WONKA: Meine Damen und Herren, der Inventing Room. [Ladies and Gentlemen, The Inventing Room.] Now remember, no messing about. No touching, no tasting, no telling.
GRANDPA JOE: No telling what?
WILLY WONKA: You see, all of my most secret inventions are cooking and simmering in here. Old Slugworth would give his false teeth to get inside for just five minutes, so don't touch a thing!
~THE INVENTING ROOM~
Various contraptions bubble, churn, and whistle.
GRANDPA JOE: Inventing room? It looks more like a Turkish bath to me.
CHARLIE: Even if Slugworth did get in here, he couldn't find anything.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: You got a garbage strike going on here, Wonka?
MRS. TEEVEE: Who does your cleaning up?
MR. SALT: Shouldn't you be wearing rubber gloves? You'll have the health inspectors after you, you know that, don't you.
WILLY WONKA: (as he mixes a concoction) Invention, my dear friends, is ninety-three percent perspiration, . . . six percent electricity, . . . four percent evaporation, . . . and two percent butterscotch ripple. (He tastes.)
MRS. TEEVEE: That's a hundred and five percent!
MR. SALT: Any good?
WILLY WONKA: (high, Muppet-like voice) Yes! Excuse me . . . (to Veruca) Time is a precious thing. Never waste it. (He throws an alarm clock into the cauldron.)
VERUCA: He's absolutely bonkers.
CHARLIE: And that's not bad.
MIKE: (eating something) Mmmm . . .
WILLY WONKA: In springtime, the only pretty ring time
Birds sing, hey ding
A-ding, a-ding
Sweet lovers love the spring--
An explosion in Mike's mouth knocks him backwards.
MRS. TEEVEE: Mike!
WILLY WONKA: I told you not to, silly boy.
MRS. TEEVEE: Your teeth!
MIKE: Boy, that's great stuff.
WILLY WONKA: That's exploding candy for your enemies. Great idea, isn't it. Not ready yet, though, still too weak. Needs more gelignite. (He puts sneakers into a pot.)
MR. SALT: What's that for?
WILLY WONKA: Gives it a little kick.
MR. SALT: Wonka? Butterscotch . . . butter gin . . . you've got something going on inside of here?
WILLY WONKA: Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. (Tests a pot.) Aaa!
VIOLET: What's the matter? Too hot, Mr. Wonka?
WILLY WONKA: Too cold. Far too cold.
MR. SALT: That's gourmet cooking for you.
Mr. Beauregarde tries to look into the Everlasting Gobstopper machine; a buzzer goes off.
WILLY WONKA: No! Don't. Please. Forgive me, but no one must look under there. This is the most secret machine in my entire factory. This is the one that's really going to sizzle old Slugworth.
CHARLIE: What's it do?
WILLY WONKA: Would you like to see?
CHARLIE: Yeah.
Willy Wonka pushes a button. The machine goes through a long process, then produces Everlasting Gobstoppers.
CHARLIE: But what's it do?
WILLY WONKA: Can't you see? It makes Everlasting Gobstoppers.
VIOLET: Did you say "Everlasting Gobstoppers"? (Willy Wonka mouths the last words with her.)
WILLY WONKA: That's right. For children with very little pocket money. You can suck 'em forever.
VERUCA: I want an Everlasting Gobstopper.
VIOLET: Me too!
MIKE: And me!
WILLY WONKA: Fantastic invention. Revolutionize the industry. You can suck 'em and suck 'em and suck 'em, and they'll never get any smaller. Never. At least I don't think they do. A few more tests.
MIKE: How do you make 'em?
WILLY WONKA: I'm a trifle deaf in this ear. Speak a little louder next time. Who wants an Everlasting Gobstopper?
The children say "Me!" or "I do!"
WILLY WONKA: I can only give them to you if you solemnly swear to keep them for yourselves and never show them to another living soul as long as you all shall live. Agreed?
Veruca crosses her fingers behind her back.
CHILDREN: Agreed.
WILLY WONKA: Good. (He hands them out.) One for you, and one for you, and one for you.
GRANDPA JOE: Eh, what about Charlie?
WILLY WONKA: And one for Charlie.
VERUCA: Hey, she's got two. I want another one!
VIOLET: Stop squawking, you twit!
WILLY WONKA: Everybody has had one, and one is enough for anybody. Now come along. Now over here, if you'll follow me, I have something rather special to show you.
MR. SALT: Well, it's special, all right. I only hope my Veruca doesn't want one. (He laughs.)
MIKE: What a contraption.
WILLY WONKA: Isn't she scrumptious?
WILLOW (whispers to Wonka): You're scrumptious, yourself Wonka.
WILLY WONKA: She's my revolutionary, non-pollutionary mechanical wonder. Now: button, button, who's got the button?
CHARLIE: It's over there.
WILLY WONKA: Here?
CHARLIE: Yeah.
WILLY WONKA: (pushes the button; the contraption begins to work) What you are witnessing, dear friends, is the most enormous miracle of the machine age: the creation of a confectionery giant! Finito!
VERUCA: That's all?
WILLY WONKA: That's all?!? Don't you know what this is?
VIOLET: By gum, it's gum!
WILLY WONKA: Wrong! It's the most amazing, fabulous, sensational gum in the whole world.
VIOLET: What's so fab about it?
WILLY WONKA: This little piece of gum is a three course dinner.
MR. SALT: Bull.
WILLY WONKA: No, roast beef, but I haven't got it quite right yet.
VIOLET: (grabbing the gum) I don't care.
WILLY WONKA: Oh, I wouldn't do that. I really wouldn't.
VIOLET: So long as it's gum, then that's for me.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: Violet, now don't you do anything stupid.
VIOLET: (sighs in disgust)
CHARLIE: What's it taste like?
VIOLET: Madness! It's tomato soup! It's hot and creamy. I can actually feel it running down my throat! It's delicious!
WILLY WONKA: Stop, don't . . .
CHARLIE: Why doesn't she listen to Mr. Wonka?
GRANDPA JOE: Because, Charlie, she's a nitwit.
VIOLET: (continuous) And every chew gets better and better! Mmmm . . . this sure is great soup. Hey, second course is coming up! Roast beef and a baked potato! Mmmm.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: With sour cream? (He laughs.) What's for dessert, baby?
VIOLET: Dessert? Here it comes. Blueberry pie and cream! It's the most marvelous blueberry pie that I've ever tasted!
CHARLIE: Look at her face!
MR. BEAUREGARDE: Holy Toledo, what's happening to your face?
VIOLET: Cool it, Dad! Lemme finish.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: Yeah, but your face is turning blue! Violet, you're turning violet, Violet!
VIOLET: What are you talking about?
WILLY WONKA: I told you I hadn't got it quite right yet.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: You can say that again. Look what it's done to my kid!
WILLY WONKA: It always goes wrong when we come to the dessert. Always.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: Violet, what are you doing now?!? You're blowing up!
VIOLET: I feel funny.
GRANDPA JOE: I'm not surprised.
VIOLET: What's happening?
MR. BEAUREGARDE: You're blowing up like a balloon!
WILLY WONKA: Like a blueberry.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: Somebody do something! Call a doctor!
MRS. TEEVEE: Stick her with a pin.
CHARLIE: She'll pop!
WILLY WONKA: It happens every time! They all become blueberries.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: You've really done it this time, haven't you, Wonka. I'll break you for this.
WILLY WONKA: Oh, well, I'll get it right in the end.
VIOLET: Help! Help!
Wonka plays the pipe whistle.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: We've got to let the air out of her, quick!
WILLY WONKA: There's no air in there.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: Hmm?
WILLY WONKA: That's juice.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: Juice?!?
WILLY WONKA: (to an Oompa Loompa) Would you roll the young lady down to the juicing room at once, please.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: What for?
WILLY WONKA: For squeezing. She has to be squeezed immediately before she explodes.
MR. BEAUREGARDE: Explodes?!?
WILLY WONKA: It's a fairly simple operation.
OOMPA LOOMPAS: Oompa Loompa doompadee doo
I've got another puzzle for you (oo oo oo)
Oompa Loompa doompadah dee
If you are wise you will listen to me
Gum chewing's fine when it's once in a while
It stops you from smoking and brightens your smile
But it's repulsive, revolting and wrong
Chewing and chewing all day long
The way that a cow does
Oompa Loompa doompadee dah
Given good manners you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do
MR. BEAUREGARDE: I'll get even with you for this, Wonka, if it's the last thing I ever do! I got a blueberry for a daughter . . . (The Oompa Loompa leads him away.)
WILLY WONKA: Where is fancy bread? In the heart, or in the head? Shall we roll on? (An Oompa Loompa hands him his cane) Thank you. (to the group) Well, well, well . . . two naughty, nasty little children gone. Three good, sweet little children left. Hurry, please, long way to go yet.
~WALLPAPER ROOM~
WILLY WONKA: Wait a minute. Must show you this. Lickable wallpaper for nursery walls. Lick an orange, it tastes like an orange. Lick a pineapple, it tastes like a pineapple. Go ahead, try it.
GRANDPA JOE: Oh.
MIKE: Mmm, I got a plum.
CHARLIE: Grandpa, this banana's fantastic! It tastes so real.
WILLY WONKA: Try some more. The strawberries taste like strawberries. The snozzberries taste like snozzberries!
VERUCA: Snozzberries? Who ever heard of a snozzberry?
WILLY WONKA: We are the music-makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams. Come along, come along.
~FIZZY LIFTING ROOM~
WILLY WONKA: Something very unusual in here. Bubbles, bubbles everywhere, but not a drop to drink. Yet.
CHARLIE: What's it making, Mr. Wonka?
WILLY WONKA: Fizzy Lifting Drinks. They fill you with gas, and the gas is so terrifically lifting that it lifts you right off the ground like a balloon.
VERUCA: Oh, isn't it high! Gosh!
WILLY WONKA: But I daren't sell it yet. It's still too powerful.
MIKE: Come on, let us try some! Please?
VERUCA: Oh, let us try some. Don't be mean!
WILLY WONKA: No, no, no. Absolutely not. There'd be children floating around all over the place. Come along now; don't hang about. You're going to be wild about this next room.
All but Charlie and Grandpa Joe exit.
GRANDPA JOE: Let's take a drink, Charlie; nobody's watching.
CHARLIE: Yeah.
GRANDPA JOE: A small one won't hurt us. (He opens a bottle and drinks.) Mmmm, not bad. (Charlie drinks.) Well?
CHARLIE: Nothing's happening.
GRANDPA JOE: You're right, Charlie. I can't understand WHYYYY . . . oh, oh, oh, I feel terribly strange . . .
CHARLIE: What do we do now, Grandpa?
GRANDPA JOE: I don't know, Charlie, but AAAAAA! OH, OH! We're in big trouble! Mr. Wonka isn't gonna like this.
CHARLIE: We can't stay up here all day!
GRANDPA JOE: You're right, Charlie, but--
CHARLIE: I'm gonna try and get down.
GRANDPA JOE: All right, Charlie, but please . . . be very careful.
CHARLIE: Hey, it's fun, Grandpa! It works! Come on in, the air's fine!
GRANDPA JOE: Oh, I don't know, Charlie. I haven't been swimming in twenty years, I--
CHARLIE: (on "haven't") Come on, give me your hand.
GRANDPA JOE: I don't think I ought to . . . Oh. Oh! This is great!
CHARLIE: (shooting upward) Hey, try this, Grandpa! Whee!
GRANDPA JOE: All right, Charlie, wait for me! Wheeeeee!
CHARLIE: Wheeeee!
GRANDPA JOE: I'm a shooting star!
CHARLIE: I'm a rocket! Grandpa, this is really great.
GRANDPA JOE: Look, I'm a bird! I feel light as a feather. Look down, Charlie. We're really high now.
CHARLIE: Watch this, Grandpa. (He somersaults.)
GRANDPA JOE: Wonderful, Charlie.
CHARLIE: Wow. Try it, Grandpa.
GRANDPA JOE: Oh, I don't know, I . . .
CHARLIE: Come on, Grandpa.
GRANDPA JOE: All right. (He somersaults.)
CHARLIE: Hey, you did it, Grandpa.
GRANDPA JOE: Ohhhh . . . ohhhh, I think I hit an air pocket.
CHARLIE: You can fly to the moon this way.
GRANDPA JOE: Let's just fly south for the winter.
CHARLIE: Why not? I'm a bird!
GRANDPA JOE: I'm a plane!
CHARLIE: I'm . . . going too high! Hey, Grandpa, I can't get down! Help! Grandpa, the fan!
GRANDPA JOE: Stay away from it, Charlie; it'll chop us to bits! We're in trouble, Charlie. I can't stop!
CHARLIE: It's pulling me in!
GRANDPA JOE: I can't stop! I can't stop!
CHARLIE: What do we do?
GRANDPA JOE: Grab hold of something, quick!
CHARLIE: There's nothing to grab on to! Help! We're gonna get killed!
GRANDPA JOE: Help! Help!
CHARLIE: Help!
GRANDPA JOE: Mr. Wonka, please! Turn off the fan! Oh! Oh! (He burps.) Oooo, I'm going down! Quick, Charlie, burp, burp! If you don't get down you'll be chopped into ribbons!
CHARLIE: Help! I can't! Help!
GRANDPA JOE: You've gotta burp, Charlie. It's the only way.
CHARLIE: (burps)
GRANDPA JOE: 'Atta boy. Burp again. (Charlie continues to burp.) 'Atta boy, come on. Ahhhh, that's wonderful, Charlie.
The two burp back and forth.
GRANDPA JOE: Grab onto me, Charlie. We're gonna be all right now. (They land.) Good boy. From now on, we keep our feet on the ground. Come on, let's catch up to the others!
One last burp.
~THE GEESE ROOM~
WILLY WONKA: I know what you're thinking: They can't be doing what they're doing. But they are. They have to. I haven't met the Oompa Loompa yet who could do it. These are the geese that lay the golden eggs. As you can see, they're larger than ordinary geese. As a matter of fact, they're quadruple size geese which produce octuple size eggs. They're laying overtime right now for Easter.
MIKE: But Easter's over!
WILLY WONKA: Ssshhh . . . (He covers Mike's mouth.) They don't know that. I'm trying to get ahead for next year.
MR. SALT: What happens if they drop one of those eggs, Wonka?
WILLY WONKA: An omelet fit for a king, sir.
VERUCA: Are they chocolate eggs?
WILLY WONKA: Golden chocolate eggs. That's a great delicacy. But I wouldn't get too close. The geese are very temperamental. That's why we have the Eggdicator.
MRS. TEEVEE: Eggdi-what?
WILLY WONKA: The Eggdicator. The Eggdicator can tell the difference between a good egg and a bad egg. If it's a good egg, it's shined up and shipped out all over the world. But if it's a bad egg . . . down the chute.
GRANDPA JOE: It's an educated Eggdicator.
MR. SALT: It's a lot of nonsense.
WILLY WONKA: (singing) A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.
VERUCA: Hey, Daddy, I want a golden goose.
CHARLIE: Here we go again.
MR. SALT: All right, sweetheart, all right. Daddy'll get you a golden goose as soon as we get home.
VERUCA: No, I want one of those!
MR. SALT: Wonka, how much do you want for the golden goose?
WILLY WONKA: They're not for sale.
MR. SALT: Name your price.
WILLY WONKA: She can't have one.
VERUCA: Who says I can't?
MR. SALT: The man with the funny hat.
VERUCA: I want one! I want a golden goose!
Gooses,
Geeses,
I want my geese to lay gold eggs for Easter
MR. SALT: It will, sweetheart.
VERUCA: At least a hundred a day
MR. SALT: Anything you say
VERUCA: And by the way . . .
MR. SALT: What.
VERUCA: I want a feast
MR. SALT: You ate before you came to the factory.
VERUCA: I want a bean feast
MR. SALT: Huh, one of those.
VERUCA: Cream buns and donuts and fruitcake with no nuts
So good you could go nuts
MR. SALT: You can have all those things when you get home.
VERUCA: No, now!
I want a ball
I want a part
Pink macaroons and a million balloons
And performing baboons and--
Give it to me
MR. SALT: Later.
VERUCA: (elbowing Mr. Salt in the stomach) Now!
I want the world
I want the whole world
I want to lock it all up in my pocket
It's my bar of chocolate
Give it to me now
I want today
I want tomorrow
I want to wear 'em like braids in my hair
And I don't want to share 'em
I want a party with roomfuls of laughters
Ten thousand tons of ice cream
And if I don't get the things I am after
I'm going to scream
I want the works
I want the whole works
Presents and prizes and sweets and surprises
Of all shapes and sizes and now!
Don't care how
I want it now
Don't care how
I want it noooooooooooooooooooow
Veruca, deemed a Bad Egg by the Eggdicator, falls down the chute.
WILLY WONKA: She was a bad egg.
MR. SALT: Um . . . where's she gone?
WILLY WONKA: Where all the other bad eggs go: down the garbage chute.
MR. SALT: (laughing) The garbage chute. Where does it lead to?
WILLY WONKA: To the furnace.
MR. SALT: (laughing heartily) To the furnace. She'll be sizzled like a sausage.
WILLY WONKA: Well not necessarily. She could be stuck just inside the tube.
MR. SALT: Inside the . . .? Hold on! Veruca, sweetheart, Daddy's coming!
He jumps down the Eggdicator chute.
WILLY WONKA: There's gonna be a lot of garbage today.
GRANDPA JOE: Well, Mr. Salt finally got what he wanted.
CHARLIE: What's that?
GRANDPA JOE: Veruca went first.
CHARLIE: Mr. Wonka, they won't really be burned in the furnace, will they?
WILLY WONKA: Hmmm . . . well, I think that furnace is lit only every other day, so they have a good sporting chance, haven't they.
OOMPA LOOMPAS: Oompa loompa doompadee doo
I've got another puzzle for you
Oompa Loompa doomadah dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me
Who do you blame when your kid is a brat
Pampered and spoiled like a siamese cat
Blaming the kids is a lie and a shame
You know exactly who's to blame
The Mother and the Father
Oompa Loompa Doompadee dah
If you're not spoiled then you will go far.
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doomapadee do
WILLY WONKA: I don't understand it. The children are disappearing like rabbits. Well, we still have each other. Shall we press on?
MRS. TEEVEE: Mr. Wonka, can't we sit down for a minute? The pace is killing me.
WILLY WONKA: My dear lady, transportation has already been arranged.
~WONKAMOBILE ROOM~
Oompa Loompas fill the Wonkamobile with soda. Willow isn't going on the Wonkamobile because Willy Wonka told her to meet them over by the Wonkavision room.
WILLY WONKA: Behold the Wonkamobile. A thing of beauty is a joy forever. Places, please, the dance is about to begin. Better grab a seat, they're going fast.
GRANDPA JOE: Mr. Wonka, what's that they're filling it up with?
WILLY WONKA: Oh, ginger ale, ginger pop, ginger beer, beer bubbles, bubble-ade, bubble cola, double cola, double bubble burp-a-cola, and all the crazy carbonated stuff that tickles your nose. Few people realize what tremendous power there is in one of those things.
GRANDPA JOE: Sorry I asked.
MIKE: You think Slugworth would pay extra to know about this?
MRS. TEEVEE: Just keep your eyes open and your mouth shut.
WILLY WONKA: Everybody set?
CHARLIE: Is this gonna go fast, Grandpa?
GRANDPA JOE: It should, Charlie. It's got more gas in it than a politician.
WILLY WONKA: Now hold on tight. I'm gonna really open her up this time and see what she can do. Swifter than eagles . . . stronger than lions . . .
Bubble suds begin to spray out at everyone.
MIKE AND MRS. TEEVEE: Ohhhhhhhh!
WILLY WONKA: Must be a leak in the distilling tubes.
CHARLIE: Grandpa!
GRANDPA JOE: I'm getting it too!
WILLY WONKA: Martha! Martha! Du entschwandest [Martha! Martha! You have vanished]
MIKE: It's getting in my eye!
WILLY WONKA: (continuous) Ah, mein gluck nahmst du mit dir [My happiness you take with you]
MRS. TEEVEE: Oh, it's even in my shoes! I'm soaked! It'll never come out!
MIKE: It's sticking to my gun.
WILLY WONKA: (continuous) Geht es hin wo du entschwandest [Does it go where you have vanished]
Oder teile es mit mir. [Or (Do you) share it with me.]
MRS. TEEVEE: Oh, my dress, my hair, my face! Ohhhhhh . . . I'm sending you the cleaning bill, Mr. Wonka!
They go through the Hsawaknow.
MRS. TEEVEE: I'm dry cleaned!
CHARLIE: Hey, Grandpa, what was that we just went through?
WILLY WONKA: Hsawaknow.
MRS. TEEVEE: Is that Japanese?
WILLY WONKA: No, that's "Wonkawash" spelled backwards. That's it, ladies and gentlemen. The journey is over.
GRANDPA JOE: Finest bath I've had in twenty years.
CHARLIE: Let's do it again, Mr. Wonka.
MRS. TEEVEE: You mean that's as far as it goes?
MIKE: Couldn't we have walked?
WILLY WONKA: If the Good Lord had intended us to walk, he wouldn't have invented roller skates. Now would you all please put these on. (They take white coats and goggles.) We have to be very careful. There's dangerous stuff inside.
~WONKAVISION ROOM~
WILLY WONKA: Wonkavision: my very latest and greatest invention.
MIKE: It's television.
WILLY WONKA: Uh, it's Wonkavision. Now I suppose you all know how ordinary television works. You photograph something and--
MIKE: Sure, I do. You photograph something, and then the photograph is split up into millions of tiny pieces, and they go whizzing through the air down to your TV set where they're all put together again in the right order.
WILLY WONKA: You should open your mouth a little wider when you speak. So I said to myself, "If they can do it with a photograph, why can't I do it with a bar of chocolate?" I shall now send this chocolate bar from one end of the room to the other. It has to be big because whenever you transmit something by television, it always ends up smaller on the other end. Goggles on, please. Lights, camera, action!
MRS. TEEVEE: (screams)
WILLY WONKA: You can remove your goggles.
CHARLIE: Where's the chocolate?
WILLY WONKA: It's flying over our heads in a million pieces. Now watch the screen. Here it comes. There it is. Take it.
MIKE: How can you take it? It's just a picture.
WILLY WONKA: All right, you take it.
CHARLIE: It's real.
WILLY WONKA: Taste it; it's delicious. It's just gotten smaller, that's all.
CHARLIE: It's perfect.
MRS. TEEVEE: It's unbelievable.
GRANDPA JOE: It's a miracle.
MIKE: It's a TV dinner.
WILLY WONKA: It's Wonkavision.
GRANDPA JOE: It could change the world.
WILLOW (thinking): Wonka looks so sexy in that white coat.
MIKE: Mr. Wonka, can you send other things? Not just chocolate, I mean.
WILLY WONKA: Anything you like.
MIKE: What about . . . people?
WILLY WONKA: People? Hmmm . . . I don't really know. I suppose I could. Yes, I'm sure I could. I'm pretty sure I could. But it might have some messy results.
MIKE: Look at me; I'm gonna be the first person in the world to be sent by television!
MRS. TEEVEE: Mike, get away from that thing!
WILLY WONKA: Stop, don't, come back . . .
MIKE: Lights, camera, action!
MRS. TEEVEE: Mike! Where are you?
GRANDPA JOE: He's up there, in a million pieces!
MRS. TEEVEE: Mike! Are you there?
WILLY WONKA: No good shouting here. Watch the screen.
MRS. TEEVEE: Mike? Why's he taking so long?
CHARLIE: Million pieces take a long time to put together.
MRS. TEEVEE: Oh, where are they?
WILLY WONKA: There's definitely something coming through.
MRS. TEEVEE: Is it Mike?
WILLY WONKA: Well it's hard to tell, but I--
MRS. TEEVEE: (wailing at the sight of Mike, now shrunk) Ooooooooh ho-hoooooh!
GRANDPA JOE: Our little group is getting smaller by the minute.
MIKE: Look at me, everybody; I'm the first person in the world to be sent by television. Wow, what a wild trip that was. It's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. Am I coming in clear? Hey, Mom, I said, "Am I coming in clear?"
WILLY WONKA: Great. He's completely unharmed.
MRS. TEEVEE: You call that unharmed?
MIKE: Wow, that was something. Can I do it again?
MRS. TEEVEE: No, there'll be nothing left.
MIKE: Don't worry about a thing, Mom; I feel fine. I'm famous. I'm a TV star. Wait 'til the kids back home hear about this.
MRS. TEEVEE: Nobody's gonna hear about this.
MIKE: Where are you taking me? I don't want to go in there!
Mrs. Teevee puts Mike in her purse.
MIKE (in the purse): Hey, let me out! It's dark in here.
MRS. TEEVEE: Be quiet. (to Mr. Wonka) Well . . .
MIKE (in the purse): Come on, Mom, I want to be on TV.
WILLY WONKA: Well, fortunately small boys are extremely springy and elastic, . . .
MIKE (in the purse): Let me out, Mom, or I'll gnaw*** my way out.
WILLY WONKA: (continuous) . . . so I think we'll put him in my special taffy-pulling machine. That should do the trick.
MIKE (in the purse): I'm warning you, Mom; there's a nail file in here . . .
MRS. TEEVEE: Taffy . . .
WILLY WONKA: (to an Oompa Loompa) To the taffy-pulling room. You'll find the boy in his mother's purse. But be extremely careful.
MIKE (in the purse): (on "You'll") If you don't let me out, I'll [smear your lipstick]*** all over everything.
MRS. TEEVEE: (losing it) T-t-taffy pull-- (as the Oompa Loompa whispers to Willy Wonka) Oh, what's he saying?
Mike continues to protest.***
WILLY WONKA: (to the Oompa Loompa) No, no, I won't hold you responsible.
Mrs. Teevee faints backwards into Grandpa Joe's arms.
WILLY WONKA: And now, my dearest lady, it's time to say goodbye. (Mrs. Teevee emits a noise.) No, no, don't speak. For some moments in life there are no words. Run along now. (The Oompa Loompas drag her out.) Adieu, adieu, parting is such sweet sorrow.
OOMPA LOOMPAS: Oompa Loompa doompadee doo
I've got another puzzle for you
Oompa Loompa doompadah dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me
What do you get from a glut of TV
A pain in the neck and an I.Q. of three
Why don't you try simply reading a book
Or could you just not bear to look
You'll get no
You'll get no
You'll get no
You'll get no
You'll get no commercials.
Oompa Loompa doompadee dah
If you're not greed you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the
Oompa
Oompa Loompa Doompadee do.
~OUTSIDE WILLY WONKA'S OFFICE~
WILLY WONKA: So much to do, so much to do, invoices and bills, letters . . . I must answer that note from the queen.
CHARLIE: Mr. Wonka, what's gonna happen to the other kids? Augustus, Veruca?
WILLY WONKA: My dear boy, I promise you they'll be quite all right. When they leave here, they'll be completely restored to their normal, terrible old selves. But maybe they'll be a little bit wiser for the wear. Anyway, don't worry about them.
GRANDPA JOE: Eh, what do we do now, Mr. Wonka?
WILLY WONKA: Oh, yes, well, I hope you enjoyed yourselves. Excuse me for not showing you out. Straight up the stairs. You'll find the way. I'm terribly busy. Whole day wasted. Goodbye to you both. Goodbye. (He enters his office.)
CHARLIE: What happened? Did we do something wrong?
GRANDPA JOE: I don't know, Charlie. But I'm gonna find out.
They enter the office.
~WILLY WONKA'S OFFICE~
Everything is cut in half.
GRANDPA JOE: Mr. Wonka?
WILLY WONKA: I am extraordinarily busy, sir.
GRANDPA JOE: I just wanted to ask about the chocolate. The lifetime supply of chocolate, for Charlie. When does he get it?
WILLY WONKA: He doesn't.
GRANDPA JOE: Why not?
WILLY WONKA: Because he broke the rules.
GRANDPA JOE: What rules? We didn't see any rules, did we, Charlie?
WILLY WONKA: Wrong, sir, wrong! Under Section Thirty-Seven B of the contract signed by him it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if--and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy: "I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained, et cetera, et cetera . . . fax mentis incendium gloria culpum, et cetera, et cetera . . . memo bis punitor delicatum!" It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You stole Fizzy Lifting Drinks. You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir!
WILLOW (thinking): Wonka is so gorgeous when he's angry.
GRANDPA JOE: You're a crook! You're a cheat and a swindler! That's what you are. How can you do a thing like this? Build up a little boy's hopes and then smash all his dreams to pieces. You're an inhuman monster!
WILLY WONKA: I said Good Day!
GRANDPA JOE: Come on, Charlie, let's get out of here. I'll get even with him if it's the last thing I ever do. If Slugworth wants a Gobstopper, he'll get one.
Long pause.
CHARLIE: Mr. Wonka . . .
Charlie leaves the Gobstopper on Willy Wonka's desk.
WILLY WONKA: So shines a good deed in a weary world. Charlie . . . my boy . . . You won! You did it! You did it! I knew you would; I just knew you would. Oh, Charlie, forgive me for putting you through this. Please, forgive me. Come in, Mr. Wilkinson. Charlie, meet Mr. Wilkinson.
Wilkinson--formerly known as Slugworth--enters.
WILKINSON: Pleasure.
CHARLIE: Slugworth!
WILLY WONKA: No, no, that's not Slugworth. He works for me.
CHARLIE: For you?
WILLY WONKA: I had to test you, Charlie. And you passed the test. You won!
GRANDPA JOE: Won what?
WILLY WONKA: The jackpot, my dear sir, the grand and glorious jackpot.
CHARLIE: The chocolate?
WILLY WONKA: The chocolate, yes, the chocolate, but that's just the beginning. We have to get on, we have to get on; we have so much time, and so little to do. Strike that. Reverse it. This way please. We'll take the Wonkavator. Ladies first and that means Willow. Step in, Charlie. Grandpa Joe, sir. This is the Great Glass Wonkavator.
GRANDPA JOE: It's an elevator.
WILLY WONKA: It's a Wonkavator. An elevator can only go up and down, but the Wonkavator can go sideways and slantways and longways and backways . . .
CHARLIE: And frontways?
WILLY WONKA: . . . and squareways and frontways and any other ways that you can think of. It can take you to any room in the whole factory just by pressing one of these buttons. Any of these buttons. Just press a button and ZING! You're off. And up until now I've pressed them all . . . except one. This one. Go ahead, Charlie.
CHARLIE: Me? (He pushes the button.)
WILLY WONKA: There it goes. Hold on tight. I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen. Faster, faster . . . If we don't pick up enough speed, we'll never get through.
CHARLIE: Get through what?
WILLY WONKA: Ah-ha!
GRANDPA JOE: You mean we're going . . .?
WILLY WONKA: Up and out!
GRANDPA JOE: But this roof is made of glass. It'll shatter into a thousand pieces. We'll be cut to ribbons!
WILLY WONKA: Probably. Hold on, everybody. Here it comes.
The Wonkavator crashes through the roof and flies into the sky.
GRANDPA JOE: You did it, Mr. Wonka, congratulations!
WILLY WONKA: Get up. Take a look.
CHARLIE: Grandpa, our town looks so pretty from up here.
GRANDPA JOE: Yeah, look over here, Charlie. I think I see our house.
CHARLIE: Wow.
GRANDPA JOE: It really looks beautiful.
CHARLIE: There's my school, Grandpa.
WILLY WONKA: How did you like the chocolate factory, Charlie?
CHARLIE: I think it's the most wonderful place in the whole world.
WILLY WONKA: I'm very pleased to hear you say that because I'm giving it to you. That's all right, isn't it?
GRANDPA JOE: You're giving Charlie the--?
WILLY WONKA: I can't live here forever because you see Willow and I are soon to be married. So, who can I trust to run the factory when we leave for our honeymoon and take care of the Oompa Loompas for me? Not a grownup. A grownup would want to do everything his own way, not mine. That's why I decided a long time ago I had to find a child. A very honest, loving child to whom I can tell all my most precious candy making secrets.
CHARLIE: And that's why you sent out the Golden Tickets.
WILLY WONKA: That's right. So the factory's yours, Charlie; you can move in immediately.
GRANDPA JOE: And me?
WILLY WONKA: Absolutely.
CHARLIE: What happens to the rest of--
WILLY WONKA: The whole family. I want you to bring them all. (Charlie hugs him.) But Charlie . . . don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted.
CHARLIE: What happened?
WILLY WONKA: He lived happily ever after.
GRANDPA JOE: So when did you ask her to marry you?
WILLY WONKA: Yesterday.
CHARLIE: How long have you to been together?
WILLY WONKA: Since she first started working for me.
GRANDPA JOE: So this whole time you two have been secretly dating?
WILLY WONKA: Yes.
WILLOW: We couldn't tell anyone about that.
WILLY WONKA: That's true.
WILLOW: Even my friends and family don't know about us yet.
CHARLIE: When will everyone else know?
WILLY WONKA: Tomorrow.
WILLOW (shocked): Tomorrow!?!
WILLY WONKA: Yes my sweet candygirl, tomorrow is when we'll announce to the world about us being together this whole time.
At that Willow gave Willy Wonka a passionate hug and kiss right in front of Charlie and Grandpa Joe. Later that night Willow was in her room dreaming about sleeping in Willy Wonka's embrace. Willy Wonka was in his bed dreaming about having Willow sleep in his embrace.
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